"I'm not even going there!"
Thursday, September 9, 2010
By: Peter Paulson

Talking to my parents about where they would like to live as they grow older and more frail isn't easy. But we've made the first steps in a difficult conversation.

My parents are in very good shape. They take care of themselves; enjoy their free time; and stay close to many friends and family. They live in a community for people 55 and older who want to enjoy their retirements in a nice setting (a golf course, though neither of my parents play) with other active people. So when I asked my mom where she thought she might want to live if she reached a point where she needed help because of declining health, her first response was “I’m not even going there.” And she’s not “going there” any time soon, because she and my dad are in great health and having a lot of fun.

Still, I’d like to think if they do reach a point where they need help they would live close enough to me, and my younger sister, so that we could participate in that…not necessarily provide all the care, but check in on them, help them with getting good care and help with things around their home. Right now, they live forty minutes away without traffic and up to two hours away in rush hour, which in Washington, D.C. is much of the day on Monday through Friday. That’s too much travel time to just drop in, and more importantly, to be able to count on getting to them if there was an emergency.

So I pressed the question: where do you think you would like to live if things change and you need help? We agreed that moving somewhere far from friends and family, even if it is sunny all year with less traffic, is not a good idea. You risk becoming socially isolated and there may not be anyone to help when you need it. We agreed that when you need help from a health care provider, like a home care agency or nursing home, one of the best safeguards for getting good care is having a friend or family member who checks in on you regularly.“Your grandmother had people who visited her every week when she was in the nursing home and that made a big difference,” my mom observed. So where do my parents want to live if they need more help? We don’t know, they are not going “there” anytime soon. But we’ve started talking about it.

Copy of Caring for Grams and Grandpa
Thursday, September 9, 2010
By: Elizabeth Mace

Grams and Grandpa were good at hiding their difficulties from the family; but when Grandpa passed away, the family pulled together to help Grams.

My Italian grandparents, affectionately called "Grams and Grandpa," acted as the true matriarch and patriarch of the Cognetti family, ensuring there was lots of laughter, love and great food at every family gathering. My grandfather called my grandmother "his bride" even after almost 70 years of marriage! As time passed and they became more frail, my mom and her siblings were primarily concerned with their safety while my grandparents wanted their independence.

A family decision was made to purchase "Life Alert" bracelets for Grams and Grandpa, with the idea help would be close at hand when others were not around; but they stayed in a drawer in the bedroom with my Grams refusing to even consider wearing it. Grams and Grandpa "covered" for each other so we wouldn't know that they were having a difficult time living on their own. When Grandpa passed away last year at the age of 96, Grams was alone and her children scrambled to make decisions for her care.

Watching my grandparents grow old and frail was difficult; and the process seemed to be punctuated with events that heightened emotions: moving to a smaller house, taking the car keys away, bringing in professional caregivers, and eventually moving them both to a nursing home. Difficult as these changes were, I give my Mom and her siblings credit; they always did their best to talk to my grandparents, no matter how difficult the conversation, and worked to help them understand that they were only looking out for their best interest. My grandparents did not always cooperate immediately or without push-back, but I do believe they knew they were loved.

My mom is the oldest, and Grams' only girl, and she has primarily played the role of caregiver. As her only child, vicariously experiencing her role in caring for my grandparents, I plan on talking with her and my dad sooner than later.

Caring for Grams and Grandpa
Thursday, September 9, 2010
By: Nicole Driebe

Grams and Grandpa were good at hiding their difficulties from the family; but when Grandpa passed away, the family pulled together to help Grams.

My Italian grandparents, affectionately called "Grams and Grandpa," acted as the true matriarch and patriarch of the Cognetti family, ensuring there was lots of laughter, love and great food at every family gathering. My grandfather called my grandmother "his bride" even after almost 70 years of marriage! As time passed and they became more frail, my mom and her siblings were primarily concerned with their safety while my grandparents wanted their independence.

A family decision was made to purchase "Life Alert" bracelets for Grams and Grandpa, with the idea help would be close at hand when others were not around; but they stayed in a drawer in the bedroom with my Grams refusing to even consider wearing it. Grams and Grandpa "covered" for each other so we wouldn't know that they were having a difficult time living on their own. When Grandpa passed away last year at the age of 96, Grams was alone and her children scrambled to make decisions for her care.

Watching my grandparents grow old and frail was difficult; and the process seemed to be punctuated with events that heightened emotions: moving to a smaller house, taking the car keys away, bringing in professional caregivers, and eventually moving them both to a nursing home. Difficult as these changes were, I give my Mom and her siblings credit; they always did their best to talk to my grandparents, no matter how difficult the conversation, and worked to help them understand that they were only looking out for their best interest. My grandparents did not always cooperate immediately or without push-back, but I do believe they knew they were loved.

My mom is the oldest, and Grams' only girl, and she has primarily played the role of caregiver. As her only child, vicariously experiencing her role in caring for my grandparents, I plan on talking with her and my dad sooner than later.

Keeping My Mom Independent
Thursday, September 9, 2010
By: Patricia Jones

A phone call, a car ride and a community senior center changed my mom's life, keeping her engaged and independent...and giving me peace of mind.

My mom called me one day at work and asked me if I could leave to take her to a "center." I wasn't sure what she was talking about, but I went to pick her up, feeling a little put out at this last minute request. We drove until we pulled in front of a building where a couple of elderly folks were coming out of the doors. Oh, I thought to myself, a senior center. My mom looked at the couple and smiled. I noticed something that day as my mom got out of the car and thanked me with a big smile on her face. She seemed genuinely happy and grateful to be there, and I was humbled by my earlier feelings of being inconvenienced by her call for a ride. I sat there a few minutes, reflecting on what had just happened.

My dad died 11 years ago, which left my mom alone and "different." She just wasn't as engaged or spirited after my dad's passing. Since I work fulltime, it makes it difficult for me to spend a lot of time with her, and I worry about her. I realize now how that first trip to the center was a lifeline for both my mom and me. It was saving my mom from being alone and feeling isolated from the world. It was giving−and continues to give−her back the independent spirit she had always had before my dad's passing. It also gives me comfort in knowing that my mom is spending her days in a safe and nurturing place, with folks looking out for her when I can't.

I often look back on that day when she first called me for a ride. I am now comforted knowing the senior center offers my mother a place to go where she is accepted and respected for who she is. The center keeps her in touch with others who may be in similar situations, and more importantly, allows her to remain active. I am so grateful she asked me to take her that day, and I never hesitate when she makes a call for help.